Raw, Ugly, Vulnerable, Messy, Confusing, but All Too Real Thoughts on "Should I Apply?"

I've just spent the past hour or so exploring every part of an art museum's website, and I think I can handle the Administrative Assistant job they have posted. 

It is 35 hours a week. I'd be working all summer. That is almost full time- 12 hours more than I was just working at the my last job. And I'd be working all summer. Away from Aiden and leaving him with a sitter that whole time and my chest feels tighter and my breaths come short and quick just thinking about it.

It sounds easier than what I've done in the past as a Program Manager. It isn't artistic, it is behind the scenes office and facilities management stuff. All of which I have experience in. Maybe not as fun as being an artist...ok, not at all as much fun as being an artist...

And I panic about working almost full time all summer while Aiden is out of school. I am physically feeling the panic. Leaving him with sitters has always been really super tough on me. Really extremely super tough on me. Which makes me think that I can't do this. 35 hours is a long time. Admin hours are Monday- Friday 9am-5pm. What if I get an unpaid lunch hour? I'll be at work for 7 hours instead of 6 every day. And then commute time on top of that. What if I leave work at 5 and then don't get home until 6pm or later every day? That is going to be super stressful for me. Starting at 9 and working until 3 or 4...is almost what I was working at my last job. If I take up my friend on her offer to  babysit for me I'd have a free sitter, but also a much longer commute.

I'm not sure of the pay. 35 hours at minimum wage would make my gross income enough to mess with my social security disability.

And now my anxiety levels are telling my brain that it is time to shut down :(  And so I think, in a much smaller voice, I can't do this. I think I want to- I did want to, I kind of want to, but now I'm not so sure and I'm scared and I don't think I can do this and be a good mom and take care of my boys and keep myself healthy, too. I don't think I can do all of this :/  and these thoughts make me feel like I am a bad and lazy person who is just making excuses.

And now, instead of excited I feel sad, frustrated and confused. 

Which is not how the Spirit works, right?

I remember talking with my bishop years ago, trying to decide if I should keep my job as a Program Manager or leave. He told me I was great at my job-- it just conflicted with my being a single mother and didn't allow me to meet my children's needs, and it was ok to know I'm good at my job but it is better for my family that I leave it and look for something that would allow my family to be my priority.

I don't see how this job could be as stressful as that one was. But leaving Aiden for that long is an immeasurable stress on me :P

Pros- I'd be working at an art museum. I think I can easily handle the job requirements. Money, benefits.

Cons- 35+ hours a week is a long time to be away from Aiden, especially in the summer.

Pros- Working there anyway will force me out of my comfort zone and will be an opportunity for me (and the boys?) to grow.

Cons- I'm afraid that instead of growing I'll get overwhelmed, depressed and have a nervous break down. No- I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of my depression swallowing me whole and not being the mom my boys need me to be. Is it possible to have PTSD about past bouts of depression? :P
Pros- Working there would be good for networking with art-y people. I think I'd get a discount on stuff in the gift shop.
Cons- I'd be constantly wanting to shop in the gift shop. And most likely I'd be bored with the museum's collection in about a month. I'm sure I've already seen most of the art there over a few dozen times already. And instead of artistic people I will be working with business people focusing on getting money to try to keep the business in the black. And I hate sales and anything related to it.

And my brain is telling me this is way too much drama in my head already and wasn't it already complaining of over stimulation and the need to shut down 10 minutes ago already?????

And another part of my brain says, "Shut up, suck it up, stop being a wuss and making such a big stinking deal out if it, get over it and get a job like everybody else has to, like it or not. It isn't a perfect world, you aren't any better than anyone else, so what, stop being a baby, quit crying, quit making excuses, pull your pants up and just get a job already!" Because it is all in my head, I just make a big deal out of nothing and their (certain family and friends) hard earned money goes out in taxes to lazy welfare people (I don't get welfare!) who need to just grow up, be responsible and get jobs. (Sometimes I really hate them and their posts on facebook.) 

THIS is why I hate discussing my work, or lack thereof, situation with anybody. It is just too much to explain. I'd rather poke myself in the eye and just walk away. So much easier. And I'd probably seem so much less crazy than if I actually tried to explain all of this to some random acquaintance. 

The simple, often asked question, "What type of work are you looking for?" makes my head want to explode. Why, I'd love to teach art from my home, but it just really isn't an option right now, so I'll settle for something that simply allows me to keep my sanity and out of an emotionally draining black hole if possible, thanks for asking. I'd love to go back to what I was doing when I left Utah four months ago, but New York isn't exactly Utah (go look on fb- their posts will remind you). And I really miss the job I left but loved so much there.

 

I wonder what the local vocational rehabilitation office could do to help me.

I need to finish filling out the paperwork I started and go down to the office.

Which is somewhere in my messy room. Paperwork. The dreaded  p a p e r w o r k. Which, actually, would fall under the Cons list for this job- I always hated doing anything related to payroll.

Just shoot me now.
Or feed me, the stress has made me hungry. And tired. I am past over-done. Good night :P


* FYI * I will not respond well to negative or rude comments on this. This is my blog- which right now is my place to vent and get the mess out of my head. Respect this as my space and post any negative reaction to it in your own rant on your own blog or fb page. 

 P.S.
Didn't I post something about soul-spewing once upon a time? Yeah, that is what this post is. It is Christmas day (or was when I started typing) and I've had too much junk food and not enough sleep over the past few days and I've been fighting a funk for about a week now. Because of the cross country move and all the joys of relocating my insurance won't kick in until the first of the new year, which is when I will meet my new doctor and get some help with my awful fibro pain and some other health issues. I can hold on for one more week!

I try hard to not be a negative person, to not say or write things that will hurt someone's feelings, but sometimes it gets me and tonight I just needed to get it out. This originally started as a hopeful email to a few friends about a job I thought I'd apply for. I started typing (4 1/2 hours ago) and ended up soul-spewing. Guess the job isn't a good fit for me after all. 

But I really do need to catch up on some sleep. And will begin again tomorrow.

P.P.S.
I think Tyler gets his drama queen and creative writing genes from me ;)

And I'm still hungry!