"I'm back! And look- here's a present for me!"

I am a sporadic blogger at best, but I did do a bit of writing tonight on my sparkpeople.com blog. I've copied what I wrote here. If you read an earlier post about cocooning, well yes, there I am again. Actually I feel more like a little turtle hiding in my shell. I stick my head out (not too far) and take a few slow steps, but I zip back into my shell (cocoon) pretty quickly if something comes at me too fast. 

Feel free to read other posts on my sparkpeople.com blog (as if you have nothing else to do, right?).

Please do not share anything on my blogs without my permission. Thanks.

~ Christine

PS- this post is my pep talk to myself, trying to put things in perspective. "fake it till you make it," right? i'm trying. i'll get there. maybe at a turtle's pace, but eventually i'll get there.

PPS- i just don't think fb is the place to be posting negative or very personal/sensitive things, so that is why i don't post thoughts and feelings you'll find on my blogs there. 

"I'm back! And look- here's a *present* for me!"

Monday, November 21, 2011

My blog title is a partial quote from a children's book: CHLOE & MAUDE, by Sandra Boynton (Boynton, Sandra. "Chloe, Maude, and Sophia." Chloe and Maude. First ed. Boston, MA: Little, Brown and Company, 1985. 26+. Print.). Please, allow me to explain:

Maude decides it's boring being plain old Maude and one day changes her name to "Sophia." Sophia dresses in fancy clothes, reads fancy magazines and refuses to do anything that Maude normally loved to do with her best friend, Chloe.

After days of being rejected by her best friend's alternate personality, Chloe takes matters into her own hands. She visits "Sophia" and leaves a package. A package, "For Maude. Not to be opened by anyone except Maude, even if your name used to be Maude but isn't anymore. (p.26)"

Here our dear reader finds Maude struggling; continue on as the glamorous and sophisticated "Sophia" or return to being plain, old, ordinary Maude?

Chloe's clever present proves to be temptation enough for Maude to conclude that it is time to leave her "Sophia" days behind her and go back to being Maude. Maude says, "I'm back! And look- here's a package for me! (p.29)" *the book says package, but present is just more me*

What is the relation between myself and drawings of dressed up kittens right now?

After being a divorced and a single mom for about 10 years I met a great guy. We dated for a year and were married.

Then it all fell apart. I won't even go into the all of the dramatic details, but a year's worth of marriage counseling didn't help.

I will say that in those 17 months we were married I gained 65 lbs, felt so deeply rejected and betrayed, angry, guilty, and spent periods in and out of deep depression, anxiety and worry. Trust and hope were destroyed and I learned things that were the emotional equivalent of what it would feel like physically for a pedestrian to be hit by a tanker truck. There was no way, no matter how hard I tried, for my marriage to recover.

I have been feeling like my life is a snow globe someone shook up and threw across the room with me trapped inside.

Difficult to see the relation to Sandra Boynton's cute little kitty friends, I'm sure, but allow me to continue in my explanation and hopefully you'll understand.

Although in my marriage I was not the person pretending to be someone I wasn't or looking for something fancier than what I already had or was, my depression turned me into a person very different from who I am when I am not depressed. My self esteem plummeted, I began failing my classes, I regained weight I had been so happy to lose as I ate to try to fill the aching holes left by lies.

I struggled for a long time to try to "fix" a marriage I hadn't broken. Finally, I accepted the fact that the healthiest choice for my sons and I would be to get a divorce, to rid our home of the tension, yelling and other ugliness that precedes such a decision. The best choice for us was to go back to the way things were before the marriage; to leave my "cheating, lying husband" days behind me and chose to move on and allow space and time for healing to take place.

Bouncing back from all of the negativity hasn't been quick or easy. I still feel overwhelmed a lot. I seem to be over-spending now rather than over-eating because I feel compelled to find a ring with my sons' birthstone to replace my wedding ring.

But I know I will bounce back. I am, just slowly. And as I'm rising out of the depression I am regaining hope and feeling like myself again. Like who I was before the nightmare began and my world fell apart. I'm walking away from it and in doing so I'm slowly beginning to regain my health, my strength, my identity as a beautiful, capable woman who can be loved and wanted.

(Ok, so I may not be feeling like myself a whole lot yet but I know I will more and more as the days go on.)

"I'm back! And here's a *present* for me!"

What is my present?

My health, my happiness, my son's health and happiness. I am seeing severe stomach problems that have plagued my son for more than five months start to fade away since my "almost" ex has moved out and hasn't been spending time with him. A peaceful home. Hope. Opportunity for something more, something better. A new chapter. A chapter in which I will continue to grow and change for the better emotionally, spiritually and physically. 

I just thought of another way I can relate to Maude. I have great friends- and sons!- who are supportive and there for me when I need them most. I also have my faith. Great gifts to have! 

Originally posted 11/21/11

Thank you for sharing your experiences. When you mentioned SparkPeople.com I was puzzled, because I knew you to be so slender. I receive a lot of support there. Keep climbing! You are doing great, and you are worth it.

November 21, 2011 7:47 PM 

Cocooning: Fragile, Please Do Not Handle

Sometimes, for whatever reason- I'm pms-ing, feeling a little depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, or overtired, it could be that I'm overdue for watching a good heavy thunderstorm with my boys, I need more sunshine, my feelings have been deeply hurt, whatever the reason- I just need to withdraw inward for a while and be left mostly alone.

Nothing needs to be wrong. Maybe it is my body's natural way of restoring balance. I go inward, sleep, drink alot, eat a little, I don't answer the phone unless it is immediate family, I don't make major decisions, I avoid anything loud or flashy, go slowly, hardly leave the house and avoid human contact as much as possible. Sometimes I read or write, but whatever I do it is at a turtle's pace and it is soothing.

I call this "cocooning".

Living in NYC back in '96 I had a roomate Samb. There were weekends when I had no idea she was in the apartment at all until she emerged from her bedroom looking refreshed with a chipper, "Allo, Kiko!" for me. Shocked at seeing her when I'd assumed she had been in the Hamptons all weekend I found out she was in her room fasting, meditating and resting the whole time.

Works for me.

Cocooning is a little different as a mom, but the boys have learned they can cuddle up in the big bed and eat cookies and read with me or take the time to catch up on watching some movies or playing outside. We interact but we do it somehow without disturbing my cocoon phase. Even Aiden is more quiet around me without my needing to explain.

Friends are a different story. I love them and I know they are well meaning. They love me and they worry. But few have yet to understand the cocooning process. I get phone calls and knocks on the door wanting to know if I'm ok or if I need anything. Meanwhile I hide in my bed until the knocking ceases and I can enjoy the silence again.

Travel agents don't want you to believe this, but it is possible to get some R&R free of charge in your own home. The world keeps turning without you if you go off the grid and don't put make up on for a few days. It doesn't take an expensive vacation or hotel rooms to bring a little balance and peace in to keep the chaos at bay.

Today I happened to take down the curtains for washing. I wanted to, I didn't have to. No where was it written on a list of things to do. No lists, no presssure when I'm cocooning. I'm quietly free floating around in my own little space. Maybe later I'll spread manure on the garden. Maybe I'll nap instead or paint.

I realize this may not be possible when you have multiple toddlers, although I did do it when my boys were young. I've never had four kids with three of them simultaneously in diapers though. To keep me going shorter, more frequent cocooning periods would be needed.

Cocooning is necessary for my health. I need it.

I suffer from dibilitating depression and anxiety. People have a difficult time believing I have a disability when physically I look fine and I'm intelligent. Some people tell me it's all in my head, a simple "mind over matter" type thing, or that I am just lazy or making excuses and need to "snap out of it". Regardless of what anyone else says, feels, or believes this is my life. My health. My disability. My reality. If I didn't take the time to cocoon I wouldn't be able to remain healthy when my disability reminds me that, although I'm generally healthy overall, I do have a medical condition that needs attention. Sometimes more attention, sometimes less, but that I need to stay sensitive to and aware of my body and my emotions to stay healthy.

This is why a regular full time job doesn't work for me. Every time I've tried I eventually get worn down to where I can't fully function anymore. As a student I have been given the  ability to take time off to ensure I stay healthy if I am communicating with professors and keeping my grades up. Self employment is my best choice for this reason. It seems like the healthiest choice for me. Education is even more important for me because I need to work part time in order to maintain my health so whatever I do needs to be lucrative.

Honestly, I think more people need to have more of this awareness for themselves. People need to slow down more and experience life instead of just charging through it. We could all benefit from cocooning every now and then.

Originally posted 2/16/11

Deb in UT said...

You are so good with words. I love the image of cocooning because it implies you won't stay there forever-- that you trust and are hopeful about the future. It implies that when you come out, you will be even more beautiful and capable-- perhaps even of flight. I have also dealt with that particular type of invisible disability. It is difficult for others to understand. You seem to have a very positive, self-loving way of dealing with the reality it. What a blessing it is that your boys understand and respect that reality. Thank you for sharing!

February 17, 2011 4:00 PM 

signs of [crazy]: an asl interpretation

Spiritual Thoughts

As I left the temple today I could feel a physical change in my countenance had taken place while I was there. I felt impressed to keep a small notebook or journal in my temple bag so in the future I could write down impressions that come while I am in the temple before I leave and the distractions of the world fight against me to make me forget them.

While I was there I felt: “This truly is the restored church. No where else can we obtain such great and marvelous blessings.”

The blessings are so profound and desirable, yet so many deny themselves those miraculous blessings! I wanted to shout it out to the world, “Look! Come here! Experience this, be happy!” I felt happy, content, blessed, loved, calmed and strengthened. I felt the Love of our Heavenly Father and likened it to a kind, gentle, wise man reaching out to care for a needing child and giving that child love, warmth, clothing and all other necessities of life and joy. That is what He gives us in this great gift we call the gospel, the good news of the Atoning Sacrifice and Glorious Resurrection of our brother and Savior, Jesus Christ.

That we may be counted as one in such a holy and magnificent family and welcomed with open arms, desired, to be considered a blessing by such a noble, royal and Godly family, and to know such a great sacrifice purchased and secured our place in that family, places in me a humbling desire for eternal truth and righteousness and the ability to perform service with pure charity. A humbling desire that eradicates all desire to do evil or anything at all that might jeopardize such a familial relationship in any way. Such a thought ignites a fire in my soul to capture and create all that I can that is good and virtuous and holy and share it with the world. The joy this brings is more than I can contain and must be shared with others!

I echo the sentiments of Joseph Smith as recorded in the 128th Section of the Doctrine & Covenants, verses 22-25:

22 Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad. Let the earth break forth into singing. Let the dead speak forth anthems of eternal praise to the King Immanuel, who hath ordained, before the world was, that which would enable us to redeem them out of their prison; for the prisoners shall go free.

23 Let the mountains shout for joy, and all ye valleys cry aloud; and all ye seas and dry lands tell the wonders of your Eternal King! And ye rivers, and brooks, and rills, flow down with gladness. Let the woods and all the trees of the field praise the Lord; and ye solid rocks weep for joy! And let the sun, moon, and the morning stars sing together, and let all the sons of God shout for joy! And let the eternal creations declare his name forever and ever! And again I say, how glorious is the voice we hear from heaven, proclaiming in our ears, glory, and salvation, and honor, and immortality, and eternal life; kingdoms, principalities, and powers!

24 Behold, the great day of the Lord is at hand; and who can abide the day of his coming, and who can stand when he appeareth? For he is like a refiner’s fire, and like fuller’s soap; and he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness. Let us, therefore, as a church and a people, and as Latter-day Saints, offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness; and let us present in his holy temple, when it is finished, a book containing the records of our dead, which shall be worthy of all acceptation.

25 Brethren, I have many things to say to you on the subject; but shall now close for the present, and continue the subject another time. I am, as ever, your humble servant and never deviating friend,

 Joseph Smith.

If you are a Latter-day Saint I stand by the Prophet and urge you: Go. Go to the temple. Prepare yourself spiritually to be aware of and open to the magnificent gifts, work, and blessings that take place there. You will leave forever changed for the better when you do. Go back frequently. There are so many distractions and life can be so confusing; we are such simple creatures who forget so easily. In the temple priorities come into focus, burdens are relieved, and the pettiness that sometimes accumulates from daily living is swept away. You’ll have more joy, I promise.

If you are not a Latter-day Saint I ask:

What do you know of the church?

Where did that information come from?

Did you receive the information with skepticism or did you accept it as truth?

Did you do research on your own to dispel fiction from fact?

If so, how and where did you do your research?

Did you read anti- Mormon literature?

Did you read scriptures and pray for the Holy Ghost to lead you to know the truth?

Have you known active or inactive members of the church?

What were they like?

Are you happy, can you feel “the peace of God, which passeth all understanding (KJV, Philippians 4:7)” in your life?

What do you know about God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost?

What do you want to know about God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost?

Does the thought of dying scare you?

Does the thought of religion scare you?

And keep asking, and keep listening until you hear Him and understand. And don’t stop asking and listening and seeking knowledge, truth, wisdom and guidance from that great God who created you and loves you and wants nothing more than your eternal joy and happiness. Ask Him, listen for him, and he’ll tell you.

If you have questions about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints you can call 800-438-7557 (free call) or visit www.mormon.org or www.lds.org.

Notice I did NOT say The Church of Mormon or The Church of Joseph Smith. Great men of God they were, magnificent, noble and righteous in His cause, yes!- but notice the name is the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints. It is Him that we worship and no other God and know that by no other name can man be saved (see Acts 4:10-12)!

He loves you and wants you to know it, to feel it, and to make that love the guiding force in your life. I know it and declare it to you with feelings of happiness and peace that I want to share with all, in the sacred name of the one & only Savior, Jesus Christ.

Originally posted 1/21/11

2 comments:

Estelle said...

Christine, you are sooooo freakin' awesome. My hero, you are! Love you!

January 22, 2011 6:47 AM 

Petersen Palace said...

Amen sista! You are amazing.

January 22, 2011 8:15 PM 

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Kýrie

I hardly slept last night and this song seemed to be on replay in my mind. Gotta love the 80's! And no, the chorus is not "carry a laser"!

Wikipedia [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kyrie_(song)] says:

"Kýrie, eléison means "Lord, have mercy" in Greek, and is a part of many liturgical rites in Eastern and Western Christianity. Kýrie, eléison; Christé, eléison; Kýrie, eléison is a prayer that asks "Lord, have mercy; Christ, have mercy; Lord, have mercy".[1] According to Page the entire song is, essentially, a prayer.[2]"

I never knew that before. I had a time finding it because I didn't know the band or the title or "kyrie elesion" before this morning. Funny, seeing that its Greek!

Kyrie - Mr. Mister

Kyrie eleison, kyrie eleison, kyrie

The wind blows hard against this mountain side

Across the sea into my soul

It reaches into where I cannot hide

Setting my feet upon the road

My heart is old, it holds my memories

My body burns a gemlike flame

Somewhere between the soul and soft machine

Is where I find myself again

CHORUS:

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel

Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night

Kyrie eleison, where I'm going will you follow

Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light

When I was young I thought of growing old

Of what my life would mean to me

Would I have followed down my chosen road

Or only wished what I could be

CHORUS

lyrics thanks to: http://www.ultimate80ssongs.com/songs/m/mister-kyrie.htm

Originally posted 1/21/11

Viva Alegria!

"Alegria
come un lampo di vita
Alegria
come un pazzo gridar
Alegria
Del delittuso grido
Bella ruggente pena
Seren
Come la rabbia di amar
Alegria
Come un assalto di gioia

Alegria
I see a spark of life shining
Alegria
I hear a young minstrel sing
Alegria
Beautiful roaring scream
Of joy and sorrow
So extream
There a love in me raging
Alegria
A joyous, magical feeling

Alegria
Come un lampo di vita
Alegria
Come un pazzo gridar
Alegria
Del delittuoso grido
Bella ruggente pena
Seren
Come la rabbia di amar
Alegria
Come un assalto di gioia

Del delituso grido
Bella ruggente pena
Seren
Come la rabbia di amar
Alegria
Come un asslto gioia

Alegria
Como la luz de la vida
Alegria
Como un payaso que grita
Alegria
Del estupendo grito
De la triseza loca
Serena
Como la rabia de amar
Alegria
Como un aslto de felicidad

Del estupendo grito
De la tristeza loca
Serena
Como la rabia de amar
Alegria
Como un aslto de felicidad

There is a love in me raging
Alegria
A joyous, magical feeling"

Alegria- my obsession. It all began about eight years ago watching Bravo one night when I was first introduced to the enchanment of Cirque du Soliel and the enticement of Alegria. Of all the shows it is still my favorite.

In lieu of a traditional honeymoon Miguel and I went to see Alegria live. There were times where I was hardly breathing, my mouth open, my eyes wide in excitement and anticipation. I had waited years and the performance did not disappoint.

For those of you unfamiliar with Cirque du Soliel, or it's show Alegria, allow me to share a small snippet with you:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fllDB3FK7pI&feature=player_embedded#!

www.cirquedusoleil.com/en/shows/alegria/default.aspx

Pure magic, pure genius, pure passion. I could see the joy on the entertainer's faces as they performed, it was infectious and electric.

Alegria was the first song I ever purchased from itunes and has more plays than any other song in my music library. It was one of the first things I looked up when I got my mac!

Viva l'Alegria!

Originally posted 5/24/10

My funny kid

At Alice's prompting, I decided to start keeping a small notebook where I write some of the funny things Aiden says. Here are some of the best:

Last summer after scraping his ankle: "It's ok, I've got a couple more layers of skin underneath!"

We were on a hike while camping last summer and Aiden suddenly had to use the bathroom so we were heading back to camp. He was running fast, then stopped suddenly and said, "That was close! I almost pooped my pants! No more running, just fast walking."

Mom- "Yeah, that would be embarrassing and smelly."

Aiden- "If I doodied in my pants I would attract flies and it would be uncomfortable."

(ok, it's the attracting flies part and why was he even thinking that that gets me)

The first time I bought Aiden Apple Jacks cereal he asked why the cereal had pimples. He was so grossed out he wouldn't eat them.

Aiden, after being told to go outside if he wants to beat up his brother: "Wait a minute, I have to take my shoes off so it doesn't hurt when I jump on Tyler."

Aiden: Mom, that shirt looks good on you.

Mom: Thanks. You don't think it makes me look chubby?

Aiden: Not any more than you usually do.

I think the best was when he was singing a song he learned in school that day and confused the word nipples for dimples. He came home singing, "She has nipples in her chin like her mother" and told me the story about how his music teacher always wanted nipples when she was a little girl, but could never make them happen to her even when she poked her fingers in her face. Finally I told Aiden I thought he meant dimples and asked if he knew what nipples were. He thought for a minute, then lifted his shirt and yelled, "Oh yeah- these!"

Originally posted 1/12/10

Our Evil Cookie

We have a loco gato-a crazy cat! (or is it gata, since she is a girl? I'll get the language eventually...)

Anyway- she looks innocent and sweet in her sparkly princessa collar, but really she is evil. Like attacking-your-feet-when-you're-sleeping-in-the-middle-of-the-night-but-she-is-bored kind of evil. And she is a bed hog. And a pillow hog. And very, very spoiled.

She has what we call her princess palace which is right in front of the living room window so she can see everything that goes on outside. This is the only way I could reclaim my desk, which she loves to run and jump onto, skidding completely across to the window and sending all my papers and books flying to the floor. She still does this, only not as often now that she has her perch of power. Now she mostly walks across the keyboard or sits right on it when I am typing.

She was lying in her sunny spot in the window and Aiden mentioned how cute and sweet she looked and I remarked, "Yeah, but we know the truth, Cookie!"

Aiden quickly added, "You are EVIL!"

Originally Posted 1/12/20

The Initiation

So, Aiden Bubby has lost his bottom two front teeth in the past week. Actually, Ashley pulled them when they were really loose because I was too squeamish to do it. He is so excited! It's like he has passed from being a little kid to being an official big kid, like some sort of initiation or rite of passage- which, of course, it really is when you're a kid. And the best part- aside from the gold dollars he gets (I told Ashley she is his cash cow. She should charge a commission for pulling those things! I wonder if there is a way to turn it into a side business... I'm sure a 9 year old could...)- is that one of his top front teeth is wiggly! Woo-hoo! I need to check my wallet and make sure I can afford all of this! I might need to tell Ashley to hold off on pulling more until I can go to the bank and get some more Sacagaweas!

Originally posted 12/30/09

I found it!

I can be such a dork sometimes! I totally lost my own blog (actually, I completely forgot I had even started one) and wondered about it a week ago when a friend asked me if I had a blog, then I promptly forgot about it again. How funny! I found this totally by accident while I was looking for a copy of Brooke's painting to show another friend and was so surprised. Ta-da! I amaze me.

Those who are in the know understand what I have been otherwise preoccupied with all this will make sense to them. For those who are not in the know- and I promise you aren't the only one, this is the majority- you'll know why in the next few months or so and will laugh and understand, too, I'm sure. But more on that later

Originally posted 12/30/09

The Luddite Succumbs

Ok, here it is- my first blog. The Luddite has succumbed. Why? I am hoping it will help me to keep in touch with family & friends back east and help me to get to know the sisters in my ward better. We'll see if it works!

Originally posted 11/16/09