I am pretty vocal about my feelings towards the boy scouting program; sometimes I loudly hate it.
And I loudly hated it today. And I'm almost 100% sure I really ticked off at least one guy about it. I walked out because I couldn't let myself scream or cry or swear there, in front of everyone, in the chapel. When I came home I wrote an email instead. Here is an excerpt:
You said all the information would be sent in an email. I didn't get an email telling me what he needed for camp, or an email explaining the scouting program when my son turned 12. I didn't wake up with all of the information about scouting the day the church decided he was one. I have never been involved with scouts, I have no idea what a tenderfoot is or what is needed for merit badges. I've never received an email explaining these things to me and no one has ever sat down with me to explain them.
Have you ever started a job with no previous education, no interview, and no training? It is kind of tough to suddenly be thrown in, try to keep up and figure it all out on my own as we go. It's extremely frustrating.
During the meeting earlier I said, "This is all going over my head. I feel like you are all speaking a foreign language I don't understand." People laughed. I was kind of pissed about it.
A very good friend of mine, a mother of three Boy Scouts, did show me how she tracks their progress on a spreadsheet and explained we aren't expected to do every scouting activity every month and how things are spread out over a period of five (I think?) years. That helped take a lot of stress off.
Then we moved.
I assumed scouts met Wednesday nights at the church like most wards and I was right. I keep driving him there Wednesday nights at 7 and I get an email about once a week listing upcoming dates and activities, such as "We will be picking up things for fundraiser yard sale/ we'll be outside making a campfire/ cleaning someones yard/ wear boots." It only occurred to me this past week, after being here for six months now, when I saw the leaders rifling through a closet for a shirt for my son to wear to scout camp, that he should have a Scout book.
Maybe I get so pissed off because I see Boy Scouts as something boys do with their dads, and there just isn't one here for him. I resent that reminder and the additional stuff I'm expected to know and do and I see it as a huge burden. I get overwhelmed, angry, sad and just want to shut down. Or set things on fire, which is illegal. So I'll shut down. I readily admit I get to the point where I don't want to know anything other than where he needs me to drive him and what time. I've written my own Catch-22. Forget the messy can of worms- I've got a snake trying to devour his own tail.
And the costs. The costs I never seem to be able to afford, and there are no child support payments or alimony checks to pay them. Now the snake is choking, trying to simultaneously swallow and vomit himself up while I'm staring glassy eyed, curled into the fetal position or swearing.
I left the meeting and went to my car to cry and pray.
I think the last time I was this upset involving scouts was when I went to pick my son up and a leader handed me a box containing a block of wood and told me in an off handed way there was going to be a pinewood derby the next week. One week! One week- I don't own any power tools! I know nothing about pinewood derby! I told him how upset I was to have it dropped in my lap like that. He responded by telling me his life was tough too, and then I told him, quite forcibly, that he did NOT "get it." I went home and wrote exactly what I meant at that moment when I said he did not get it.
A very good friend of mine, a mother of three Boy Scouts, did show me how she tracks their progress on a spreadsheet and explained we aren't expected to do every scouting activity every month and how things are spread out over a period of five (I think?) years. That helped take a lot of stress off.
Then we moved.
I assumed scouts met Wednesday nights at the church like most wards and I was right. I keep driving him there Wednesday nights at 7 and I get an email about once a week listing upcoming dates and activities, such as "We will be picking up things for fundraiser yard sale/ we'll be outside making a campfire/ cleaning someones yard/ wear boots." It only occurred to me this past week, after being here for six months now, when I saw the leaders rifling through a closet for a shirt for my son to wear to scout camp, that he should have a Scout book.
Maybe I get so pissed off because I see Boy Scouts as something boys do with their dads, and there just isn't one here for him. I resent that reminder and the additional stuff I'm expected to know and do and I see it as a huge burden. I get overwhelmed, angry, sad and just want to shut down. Or set things on fire, which is illegal. So I'll shut down. I readily admit I get to the point where I don't want to know anything other than where he needs me to drive him and what time. I've written my own Catch-22. Forget the messy can of worms- I've got a snake trying to devour his own tail.
And the costs. The costs I never seem to be able to afford, and there are no child support payments or alimony checks to pay them. Now the snake is choking, trying to simultaneously swallow and vomit himself up while I'm staring glassy eyed, curled into the fetal position or swearing.
I left the meeting and went to my car to cry and pray.
I think the last time I was this upset involving scouts was when I went to pick my son up and a leader handed me a box containing a block of wood and told me in an off handed way there was going to be a pinewood derby the next week. One week! One week- I don't own any power tools! I know nothing about pinewood derby! I told him how upset I was to have it dropped in my lap like that. He responded by telling me his life was tough too, and then I told him, quite forcibly, that he did NOT "get it." I went home and wrote exactly what I meant at that moment when I said he did not get it.
Dear Married Man,
The worst thing you could possibly say to me as I single mother is (defensively), “I get it. I have stress, too. I have work and school and take care of my wife and kids-”
No. No, you DON’T get it.
Do everything you do and take your wife out of the picture and do everything she does as well. And more than just the tangible things she does like errands, chores and child care. Take away the support she provides for you emotionally, physically, and spiritually. The friend and example she is to you. Replace that with loneliness, exhaustion and a side dish of occasional bouts of low self esteem.
Now take away everything your spouse is to your children. The love, the nurturing, the support, the example, the structure and steadiness that comes just by them knowing she’s there. Replace it with their loneliness and aching, their behavioral problems, the guilt and fear that comes with leaving your child with strangers at daycare and the guilt and fear of not being able to do all that you want to for your children, all that you know they deserve and feel that aching lack tear your heart to shreds.
And know that isn’t all. That is just a small part of it. None of that is dealing with the issues that brought you to single parenthood to begin with.
No, you don’t get it.
Walk a mile in my shoes. Fall asleep on the floor next to the crib after finally getting the crying baby to sleep because you’re too exhausted to make it back to your own bed. Stay up until 1am to make sure dishes and laundry get done and wake up five hours later- with a smile so your child can have a good start to their day, repeatedly. Ride a borrowed bike in the winter over the icy sidewalks with your toddler behind you bundled up as best as you can, praying the entire time you don’t wipe out on the ice and your child doesn’t get sick.
No.
You don’t get it.
Scout leaders are volunteers who take time out of their busy lives and schedules, yes, I know. Very noble and wonderful of them. The BSA program teaches boys important life and leadership skills and provides good, supportive role models for my fatherless son. It isn't their collective fault I am a single mom. I know. Fair or not, sometimes I still hate the intrusion scouting is on my life and my psyche anyway.
The majority of single moms I've known do not have their sons participating in scouts. Maybe I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. Or maybe they are simply busy doing better things.
I'm not going to go on about what it is like to be divorced right now. I'll share some of that another time.
If you don't agree, great. Just don't comment here. Post your response rant on your own blog, thanks. If you leave a negative comment here anyway I'll delete it and maybe my response letter will be my next rant post.
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