Sometimes, for whatever reason- I'm pms-ing, feeling a little depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, or overtired, it could be that I'm overdue for watching a good heavy thunderstorm with my boys, I need more sunshine, my feelings have been deeply hurt, whatever the reason- I just need to withdraw inward for a while and be left mostly alone.
Nothing needs to be wrong. Maybe it is my body's natural way of restoring balance. I go inward, sleep, drink alot, eat a little, I don't answer the phone unless it is immediate family, I don't make major decisions, I avoid anything loud or flashy, go slowly, hardly leave the house and avoid human contact as much as possible. Sometimes I read or write, but whatever I do it is at a turtle's pace and it is soothing.
I call this "cocooning".
Living in NYC back in '96 I had a roomate Samb. There were weekends when I had no idea she was in the apartment at all until she emerged from her bedroom looking refreshed with a chipper, "Allo, Kiko!" for me. Shocked at seeing her when I'd assumed she had been in the Hamptons all weekend I found out she was in her room fasting, meditating and resting the whole time.
Works for me.
Cocooning is a little different as a mom, but the boys have learned they can cuddle up in the big bed and eat cookies and read with me or take the time to catch up on watching some movies or playing outside. We interact but we do it somehow without disturbing my cocoon phase. Even Aiden is more quiet around me without my needing to explain.
Friends are a different story. I love them and I know they are well meaning. They love me and they worry. But few have yet to understand the cocooning process. I get phone calls and knocks on the door wanting to know if I'm ok or if I need anything. Meanwhile I hide in my bed until the knocking ceases and I can enjoy the silence again.
Travel agents don't want you to believe this, but it is possible to get some R&R free of charge in your own home. The world keeps turning without you if you go off the grid and don't put make up on for a few days. It doesn't take an expensive vacation or hotel rooms to bring a little balance and peace in to keep the chaos at bay.
Today I happened to take down the curtains for washing. I wanted to, I didn't have to. No where was it written on a list of things to do. No lists, no presssure when I'm cocooning. I'm quietly free floating around in my own little space. Maybe later I'll spread manure on the garden. Maybe I'll nap instead or paint.
I realize this may not be possible when you have multiple toddlers, although I did do it when my boys were young. I've never had four kids with three of them simultaneously in diapers though. To keep me going shorter, more frequent cocooning periods would be needed.
Cocooning is necessary for my health. I need it.
I suffer from dibilitating depression and anxiety. People have a difficult time believing I have a disability when physically I look fine and I'm intelligent. Some people tell me it's all in my head, a simple "mind over matter" type thing, or that I am just lazy or making excuses and need to "snap out of it". Regardless of what anyone else says, feels, or believes this is my life. My health. My disability. My reality. If I didn't take the time to cocoon I wouldn't be able to remain healthy when my disability reminds me that, although I'm generally healthy overall, I do have a medical condition that needs attention. Sometimes more attention, sometimes less, but that I need to stay sensitive to and aware of my body and my emotions to stay healthy.
This is why a regular full time job doesn't work for me. Every time I've tried I eventually get worn down to where I can't fully function anymore. As a student I have been given the ability to take time off to ensure I stay healthy if I am communicating with professors and keeping my grades up. Self employment is my best choice for this reason. It seems like the healthiest choice for me. Education is even more important for me because I need to work part time in order to maintain my health so whatever I do needs to be lucrative.
Honestly, I think more people need to have more of this awareness for themselves. People need to slow down more and experience life instead of just charging through it. We could all benefit from cocooning every now and then.
Originally posted 2/16/11
- You are so good with words. I love the image of cocooning because it implies you won't stay there forever-- that you trust and are hopeful about the future. It implies that when you come out, you will be even more beautiful and capable-- perhaps even of flight. I have also dealt with that particular type of invisible disability. It is difficult for others to understand. You seem to have a very positive, self-loving way of dealing with the reality it. What a blessing it is that your boys understand and respect that reality. Thank you for sharing!
- February 17, 2011 4:00 PM
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